40 by 40 (and Beyond) list update…

Wow. WOW. I haven’t posted since March 2015? Well, to be fair, 2015 sucked so much I’m not even going to bother going into it, though it did have it’s good moments! 2016 has been, by far, much better and here we are almost at July. Well, seeing as I had turned 39 in January this year, I figured it was time to look back at my 40 by 40 list and see how things are going. So here it is!

1 – Enroll in school again.

(I tried, almost registered, but it fell through. I am not expecting to be enrolled before I turn 40.)

2 – Get trained in another ZUMBA specialty of choice.

(Not yet, but Zumba Gold is coming up in Omaha soon I’ve been watching. I’d rather do Step or toning.)

3 – Get trained in Tabata, Power Pump, and Bootcamp.

(Not officially trained yet, but attending more and more classes so I can begin to do so very soon. They’ve been in need of subs quite a bit. Frankly, I know enough about HIIT and Tabata I could literally just jump right in and lead a class.)

4 – Get certified as a personal trainer.

(I have my exam at the end of August! Yay!)

5 – Coach a Y-Lose It team.

(I sent my boss my interest in coaching a Fall 2016 or Winter 2017 session. I’m ready!)

6 – Take a week off from everything just to be at home and take care of everything that’s been put off for so long.

(HAHAHA! That’s a funny one.)

7 – Attend a Comic Con of some kind.

(Not yet. Bummed I missed KC Comic Con and missing Gen Con again, too. $$$)

8 – Visit one of the coasts again.

(I don’t see this happening before I turn 40 in 6 1/2 months, but there’s been talk about visiting my relatives on the East coast.)

9 – Take a road trip by myself.

(There’s plenty of time! I’m considering Arkansas to see some friends. I wanted to this summer, but it might have to be early fall.)

10 – Go sledding.

(We didn’t have much snow! I refuse to miss out next winter during the times we get some.)

11 – Go skiing.

(There’s not much in the midwest, but I can get my first little skiing experience during the winter at Mt. Crescent in Iowa… does it still exist?)

12 – Hike in the mountains.

(It’l have to wait. I can hike at state parks until then!)

13 – Sleep 12 straight hours.

(BWAHAHA. Again, another funny. Not sure what I was thinking. My body won’t let me do it.)

14 – Visit a new amusement park or one I’ve not been to “recently”.

(Natalie and I are taking a mother/daughter trip in October during break to World’s of Fun again. It won’t be new, but it’ll be new going to during Halloween Haunt time!)

15 – Visit Arkansas again. Visit Uncle and Grandpa’s graves. 

(Maybe we will extend that mother/daughter trip to go just a little further south. In fact, I think that’s a great idea!)

16 – Visit Chicago and/or Vegas for the first time.

(Not likely before 2017.)

17 – Visit Iowa City/Cedar Rapids again. (Hi sis!)

(I would love to do this during Christmas break, weather permitting.)

18 – Get a bike and actually ride it. Do the nacho ride with friends.

(I got on my daughter’s bike, which she never uses, and I was not liking it at all. Nope. Feet on the ground.)

19 – Join Angela in Kayak Polo

(Usually it has been on nights I teach ZUMBA, but I will have to be in contact with her about it this fall/winter.)

20 – Do Market to Market again, with a little longer legs this time.

(Nope, I tried to join a team too late. Maybe if anyone else needs an alternate or a fill-in at the last minute!)

21 – Attend ZUMBA Convention

(I keep saying, “maybe next year”. It’s not happening this year. It is WAY expensive, and now I’m not sure I’m even interested anymore.)

22 – Read new books outside of my “comfort zone”.

(I haven’t really tried, yet. I can’t even make it through two of my books IN my comfort zone right now.)

23 – Do another show on stage.

(I teach 3, soon 4, classes at night, which makes rehearsal difficult and auditioning a waste of time. No worries, all the world is my stage!)

24 – Make a latchhook rug or pillow like when I was younger.

(Ooooh I forgot about this one! I didn’t find any previously that I really liked. I’m going to look again!)

25 – Allow myself to buy something non-frugal just for me (way out of my comfort zone). Shoes, a bag, a geeky toy, something I normally wouldn’t do.

(Can’t do it. I’m not sure what I want? I don’t wear jewelry, I’m not into shoes and bags, I have what I need as far as technology. I’m stumped. Any ideas? We did break down and buy a trampoline, but right now I’m actually trying to cut out frivolous guilty pleasures.)

26 – Take time to actually celebrate my birthday for once. It’s my special day, I should act like it.

(Big Party being planned for 40th birthday!)

27 – The same goes for Mother’s day.

(Didn’t really “celebrate”, but they hung banners and decorations, cards, flowers, and the like. It was nice!!)

28 – Color in an entire coloring book.

(I have a hard time sitting still. This *might* help, but I’ve found I don’t really WANT to sit still. I started on one of our kid coloring books, then I got a Celtic Designs adult coloring book from my sister.)

29 – Take time to show my kids the areas I spent time when I was growing up. Parks, streets I lived on, hangouts, etc.

(Did this!)

30 – Get Invisalign braces.

(I got fitted for them, but they’re expensive. Maybe some day!)

31 – Drive a monster truck.

(The hope was for this summer, but it looks like it didn’t pan out. Booooooo!)

32 – Try a new online game.

(No time, can’t sit still. I’m amazed I’ve sat this long. No longer interested.)

33 – Run a 10k.

(My first official one will be September 16th, the Harvest Moon Hustle!)

34 – Run/walk a half marathon.

(Not by my 40th birthday, but possibly the Lincoln Half in May 2017)

35 – Dress as Xena, She-Ra, or Harley Quinn for Halloween or at a con!

(I looked for a good warrior costume last Halloween and they had none. I ended up as a badass pirate queen/Captain. Think female version of Hook on Once Upon a Time.)

36 – Enter a body-building or power-lifting program then work to compete.

(I have not entered yet, but I am steadily working on my strength and bulk. I love it!)

37 – Get another tattoo.

(I’ve been thinking  a lot about what I want and where to get it. I won’t have it by 40th birthday unless it’s a Christmas gift to myself, but I want to save that money for the party!)

38 – Attend a concert at Red Rocks in Colorado

(I need to look into who is playing and when, but I did make it to one concert this year! Halestorm!)

39 – Volunteer at a shelter for victims of domestic abuse.

(I simply need to make time for this. Plain and simple. Holiday season for sure.)

40 – Try a completely new hairstyle.

(Not yet, unless you consider it getting shorter and shorter a new style. )

 

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Trying to keep moving…

Most people know I just haven’t been myself the last few months.

I am slowly but surely starting to feel a bit better. In the last two days I managed to flush 5 lbs of water and such from my body through eating better and drinking a lot more fluids. That always makes me feel better. I upped my thyroid meds a little and am taking vitamins (kinda low on iron) so I’m hoping that within the next week or two, we’ll all start to see a better functioning, happier person. If I’m anything, it’s proactive.

I’m still tired, anxious, and my entire body is regularly in a depressed state, but I know from plenty of experience in the past, diet and exercise play a HUGE part in my overall well-being. I know that after about a week, sometimes two, of proper diet my energy begins to pick right up and my spirit soars. I hope it sticks. I am a terrible stress/anxiety/depression eater and my job has me exhausted and the last few month have been very taxing and toxic. Uhg, work. Even today they asked me to come work the desk extra before I teach my class tonight (after already having been there this morning to teach a class). Between the desk and my 4 classes I teach (plus some subbing), I’m at the gym nearly every day. It used to be my “happy place”. Now I can’t wait to get out of there. You guys know that’s bad when I start to lose sight of my dreams.

So, my boss is trying to cut out my Sundays, and then I’ve decided after March I am going to go back to just teaching and only work the desk as a sub, if at all. It was a good run, but circumstances in my life have changed since I started doing it in October, and my family and friends need me at my best. I’ve also talked to my other boss about dropping one or two of my morning classes, so that I can get back to attending classes for ME and train in other areas to teach, not just ZUMBA. I got my AFAA for a reason, afterall. There has been no movement on this, though, although Friday after I teach I’m meeting with some instructors to learn/train in Barre workouts. That’ll be interesting.

I’m taking this 40 by 40 list I created very seriously. I need to take care of me, and accomplishing goals and focusing on what would/does make me happy is a big part of that. I’m trying to plan trips and looking at runs/events I can sign up for, as well as cutting my hours so I can train more… but cutting hours means cutting $$$ we’ve somehow become dependent on which makes doing a lot of this difficult. I’ll figure it out. I’ll MAKE it happen, damnit.

Okay, that’s all. For now.

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40 by 40 (maybe longer) bucket list…

1 – Enroll in school again.

2 – Get trained in another ZUMBA specialty of choice

3 – Get trained in Tabata, Power Pump, and Bootcamp.

4 – Get certified as a personal trainer.

5 – Coach a Y-Lose It team.

6 – Take a week off from everything just to be at home and take care of everything that’s been put off for so long.

7 – Attend a Comic Con of some kind.

8 – Visit one of the coasts again.

9 – Take a road trip by myself.

10 – Go sledding.

11 – Go skiing.

12 – Hike in the mountains.

13 – Sleep 12 straight hours.

14 – Visit a new amusement park or one I’ve not been to “recently”.

15 – Visit Arkansas again. Visit Uncle and Grandpa’s graves.

16 – Visit Chicago and/or Vegas for the first time.

17 – Visit Iowa City/Cedar Rapids again. (Hi sis!)

18 – Get a bike and actually ride it. Do the nacho ride with friends.

19 – Join Angela in Kayak Polo

20 – Do Market to Market again, with a little longer legs this time.

21 – Attend ZUMBA Convention

22 – Read new books outside of my “comfort zone”.

23 – Do another show on stage.

24 – Make a latchhook rug or pillow like when I was younger.

25 – Allow myself to buy something non-frugal just for me (way out of my comfort zone). Shoes, a bag, a geeky toy, something I normally wouldn’t do.

26 – Take time to actually celebrate my birthday for once. It’s my special day, I should act like it.

27 – The same goes for Mother’s day.

28 – Color in an entire coloring book.

29 – Take time to show my kids the areas I spent time when I was growing up. Parks, streets I lived on, hangouts, etc.

30 – Get Invisalign braces.

31 – Drive a monster truck.

32 – Try a new online game.

33 – Run a 10k.

34 – Run/walk a half marathon.

35 – Dress as Xena, She-Ra, or Harley Quinn for Halloween or at a con!

36 – Enter a body-building or power-lifting program then work to compete.

37 – Get another tattoo.

38 – Attend a concert at Red Rocks in Colorado

39 – Volunteer at a shelter for victims of domestic abuse.

40 – Try a completely new hairstyle.

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Anxiety…

Sometimes, I simply can’t handle it. I don’t think straight. It’s exhausting to the point that I don’t even feel like writing about it much right now. I feel like I am constantly walking on pins and needles, tense, regularly being pricked, tense and waiting for the inevitable puncture wound that will send me tumbling. Oh, and stress? Don’t get me started on that. I think I drive everyone around me crazy, at least anyone close to me. Everyone else I manage to shield from it by keeping a manageable distance. Mostly.

I was on Adderall once, for off-label treatment of depression/anxiety symptoms. It worked like nothing I’ve ever had before. My worry was gone within a day. I could look at a pile of dishes and feel relaxed and think, “heh, oh well. They’ll get done. It’s not the end of the world.” like a normal person. Unfortunately, they had to keep upping the dose when it stopped working as well, and the higher doses caused a terrible “rebound” effect with created seriously deep, scary depression. I also started having bad anxiety again caused by the high dose and had to chase all the new symptoms with other drugs. Eventually I said, “EFF this. No thanks.” So here I am.

That’s enough about that.

Random:

I like to feel things. I feel things greatly. I am very skilled at shutting it out and bottling feelings. I’ve tried repeatedly to knock that crap off. It really depends on the day. I am very sensitive to other people’s emotions and moods as well. Some people refer to this as being an “empath”, if you believe that sort of thing. *shrug* Who knows. I also see it as being highly sensitive based on my own experiences and hell sometimes maybe it simply borders on paranoia. ;) Maybe my “sensitivity” is simply me projecting? Likely. Although I do like the idea of mystical powers!

I want to reach out to people. I stop myself. I want to let them know I care, but I stop. WHY? I worry I’m annoying or that I’d make them uncomfortable or look silly. I worry about my hand being rejected. I tell myself it’s better to reach and let others know you care than to have never said anything at all, because what if something were to happen to them and you never got the chance again? But, would it really matter? Who’s benefit is the expression of empathy truly for? Them or me? Would it make a bit of difference to that person one way or another when they are gone? Well, maybe it would make a difference when they’re still here. Wow this got morbid fast.

That’s what happens when I try to put my head on paper. Anyway, I guess what I should try to figure out is why I feel the need to pull away. So what if I’m annoying. I’m still thoughtful and kind. So what if I make someone uncomfortable? It isn’t my issue, and isn’t it worth the risk if there’s a chance of making someone feel cared about? If my hand is rejected, I may still have gotten through and that might be just what they need to look back on at a different time, yes?

So… why then, if this all makes sense, am I okay to feel but still so scared to express? After all, as a warmblooded human being, I personally like to be reached out to. It’s isn’t a bad thing at all.

whispers

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Playing catchup!

Okay… so August 23rd was my last post (and the only one in 2014!!), and I can see I was in rambling mode and honestly, tl;dr. I tried to play catchup there, too. I did the Lincoln Mud Run that day. It was a 10k (6 mile) obstacle course. Frankly, it was super lame but I loved spending time with my friend. Since then I did one more 5k obstacle run and it was a blast. 5k The Hard way. I really loved the course and the scenery, and the obstacles were awesome. However, I managed to cut myself going down the water slide, and it caused me a giant ordeal with infection later and stitches that weren’t even needed.

 5khardway35khardway1

 

Oh yeah, and this happened:

afaa

 

So, yeah. I got officially certified as a group exercise instructor to go along with with my Zumba license. Since August I’ve also taken up another class I’m teaching so now I’m up to four classes a week. I enjoy it, but boy I’m tired. We’re having a Zumba Party in a week and I’ve been really excited with the planning part of it, decorations, door prizes and such. We don’t have very many registrants yet and I really hope we get more this week. If not, well it’ll be a very small and intimate yet fun party.

I don’t have much else to say right now. I’m coming down with a cold and feeling pretty wiped out. Finally got all the spammers here blocked and some issues with uploading fixed so that hopefully I can post more frequently and of things of more interest and thought. I just had my birthday. I turned 38. I’m considering one of those “40 in 40” types of posts. I mean, I’ve got two years so surely I can get quite a bit accomplished by then. :)

More to come. Lot’s more I just thought of going on in life right now that’s kind of a Big Deal. I’m tired. See you soon!

P.S. Whenever I can get this to work, it will be my new header for the blog when I decide to revamp. Thanks to my friend Landon for making the collage. It’s good to be able to remember where I was when I first started this blog and to see how far I’ve come… through all the trials along the way.

beastmode

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Anew…

Honestly, I’m so tired right now that thinking about how to formulate a post and what to fill it with is overwhelming. Certainly looking back at my most recent post a *year* ago and a few before makes it that more difficult. I feel like there’s a lot to address, or “catch up” on, but really… reopening the blog is about today and forward, yes? That’s the idea, anyway. So, yeah. If I feel like musing over and rambling about anything between “then” and “now”, I’ll do so later. Tonight, I talk about today.

Number one – I am exhausted. I did a 10k obstacle race/mud run today with a good friend. It’s something I’ve had planned for many months, but never got around to training for much. Instead, I’ve been busy regularly teaching Zumba for the last 7 months, and recently finished my first session as a participant in the Y Lose It program where I work. My boss wanted me to be a coach this session, but I’ve decided to pass and give it a go as a participant one more time. This isn’t a huge weight loss challenge for me, even though it’s what it is designed to be. Some will continue to happen, sure, but for me it’s about the relationships I’ve built, the accountability, the fitness and strength, and most importantly, gaining knowledge and experience to pass on to future participants I will be coaching next session. I just put in my forms and our new session starts up again the first week of September. My team and I will be doing the same days and times as before. We all wanted to stick together. I can’t begin to tell you how much I adore these strong, powerful women.

I’m a busy gym-goer, I’ve had to ease up some. To give you an idea, I teach two Zumba classes on Wednesdays and one on Friday mornings. Add to that my Monday morning team workout and Friday morning team workout before I teach. On top of that, my teammates and I like to meet up outside of our “scheduled” workouts for additional walks, classes, etc. and I like to attend my friend/coworker’s Zumba classes on Tues/Thurs as much as I can (I love it!). Now, I know people who do much more than this, but for me it’s a lot. I go hard when I’m there. This all helps to keep me sane. One thing I will be doing differently this session, however, is making sure I’m getting ENOUGH fuel (food) and rest/recovery. I really started to feel worn out. I’ve been doing better during our 2 weeks off with more food and rest. A big “duh”, I know, but whatever. About two months ago, I added a part time job at a grocery deli that keeps me pacing around on my feet an additional 15 hours a week, so that has definitely contributed to the fatigue. Food, food, food. REST REST REST! It sounds counter-productive to most people, but when you train like I do I guess there’s really no other option. Anyway, the end of this session will bring me right up to my two year anniversary of the beginning of this whole journey. Eventually, I will write all about how surreal things still are when I think about how much I have changed. I’ll even repost the “Before” pictures. I thought a lot about it today on the trails. I look forward to having a really good milestone to have reached about the time I’m ready to start coaching others. I feel like this is what I was “meant to do”. Well, I suppose it is right now, anyway. :)

I’m studying for my AFAA (American Fitness Association of America) Group Exercise Certification. The exam is September 27th at Offut AFB. This is a highly recognized certification and will allow me to branch out into areas I would love to teach, including but not limited to Tabata, HIIT, Power/Body Pump type classes, Bootcamps, etc. I’m quite excited about this and know I will do well. I’m training under some of the best people. I love my job at the Cooper Y and the people I work with. They’ve fast become my friends and mentors. I feel loved, appreciated, and accepted fully there. I have never felt this at any other place or with any other group.

This post is so bland and “informative”. I really just trying to pull thoughts together. I want to make posts about my experiences, especially about my journey to wellness, my personality, the people and things that make me feel and come alive. I’d like to make one of those “40 in 40” (I’m only 37, so it gives me plenty of time) bucket list deals. Yeah. That’ll be a post. Maybe a post about synchronicity. I’ve been musing over that a lot lately. I just need to be able to sit and write. Time for me to process and express. I feel so tired and my brain needs to take a giant dump. (ew.)

I still have plenty of ups and downs. I try to make light of the down without ignoring them all together. I’ve learned ignoring and bottling is terribly damaging to my health. At the same time, anymore people need to be acutely aware of my mood shifts to know when I might be sinking and need a hand up as I refuse to show it much because emotional instability or lack of control can be just as damaging. Life. A balancing act. Tricky, it is. By now, I’d fit in really well at the circus. :)

Random (linked to performing in a circus, I suppose): I did a show back in April and it was awesome. I got to know more great people that way as well. I want to try out for yet another at the end of September, but there is no way it’d work with an evening deli job. I can’t quit and I don’t really want to at this juncture. I sure do want to try for that show though… it’s the STAGE afterall… like when I lead a zumba class… it’s a chance to feel free, let go… kind of like why I wanted to open this up again…

Seems like something’s wanting to be let loose…

(rrawwr?)

Categories: Random Drivel, Project Yours Truly, Contemplation | Leave a comment

More truth…

I absolutely love this. It’s one of the most truthful statements I’ve ever heard.

That said, dude, I feel awesome. Things are very good, I just have not much to write about. I’m supposed to be journaling about some things that have been painful and blah blah, and I’m having a tough time with that, but it’s okay. Otherwise, I’m happy, healthy, VERY healthy, relaxed, and motivated.

Cheers!

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Prayer…

Dear God – In my next life can I please be a male? Not even a good looking one. Bitches be trippin’.

Dear Ladies – As your friend I feel you should know your drama made me skip my nap and have a taco. I’m mad.

:)

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Love.

311. Awesome. Pre 4th of July with many of my lovlies at Beth’s house. Awesome.

Zumba the day after. Awesome. 4th of July the rest of the day. Well, it’ll be awesome of course. :)

 

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Religious Experience…

I can’t even get into it right now, I can barely move my fingers to type. 12 hours of Zumba, Zumba, Zumba. Not all moving, of course, but at least 75%. :) If I start typing now, I will never stop.

Most. Amazing. Day.

Unreal.

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Friday’s Agenda…

**** But first… Today is a great day…****

DOMA

is

DEAD.

_______________________________________________

“This is a very “skeleton” outline of the day.  A more comprehensive outline will be provided at the training.”

8:00 am–8:30 am            Registration/Check in

8:30 am–8:45 am            Introduction/overview/format &  expectations

8:45 am –   9:45 am        Practical Instruction – Master class

9:45 am – 10:00 am        Break

10:00 am – 12:00 pm      Zumba theory and learning core moves

12:00 pm –  1:00 pm       Lunch

1:00 pm –   3:30 pm        Zumba theory and learning core moves

3:30 pm –  3:45 pm         Break

3:45 pm –  4:45 pm          Lecture: music and choreography

4:45 pm –  5:30 pm         Theoretical Instruction, Q&A, Closing

6:30 pm –  8:00 pm         Optional –  Master class (yes)

Gonna get a little wordy here, but not necessarily exciting.

12 hours, eh?. Woooo. Nervous but excited. Yesterday Zumba was kind of bleh. I was so out of it, barely even knew what day it was. The arch in my foot was sore and got really tired easily so I laid off of it which bothers me because for me to get a good workout I need to kick up the cardio to the max. I felt sluggish and gross. And the mirror wasn’t so kind to me, or rather my perceptions. I have much arm work to do. Anyway, I wasn’t even sure I was going to make it to the gym, but I did. It’s always worth it. So, I win.

Tonight, I run. A little nervous about my foot, but whatever. After trying out 4 pairs of shoes I’m keeping these, damnit. I probably just need to build up the muscles in my feet. Maybe I’m becoming too reliant on shoes? Well, maybe so, but not being reliant on them makes me hurt and hurt puts me out of commission. Not an option. *sigh* I was reading an interesting article today regarding running and shoes, or or obsession with them related to injury. I’m not sure what I think about it yet, need to dig deeper and read further. Really, I’ve not been running all that long (well, consistently without injury, but I did take up running at first 3 years ago), so I’m still a bit of a newbie regarding shoes. I got lucky last summer and found the right shoe immediately when I’d gotten some severe shin splints. They went ahead and ordered me another pair of those same shoes that will probably be in tomorrow, just in case this last pair of shoes still doesn’t cut it. I should probably go with the ordered ones but… damnit they’re so damn chunky! GRR. Meh. Anyway, here is the article:

A Popular Myth About Running Injuries

Moving on. Time to put an action plan together for the rest of summer/fall training. 3 1/2 months until Spartan(Sprint) Race and Halloween (I WILL finally be my childhood hero, She-Ra. Or perhaps Xena…), and 5 months until my “full-on, balls out, live or die trying” change anniversary. It’ll be easier when the kids are back in school. I know I will “live” at the gym in the mornings because I’m going to feel so… lonely… with Nick starting kindergarten.  I’m somewhat introverted, sure, and I desperately need my space after some time around people… but I still get twinges of “panic” when I know I’m going to be left alone, like completely alone – no other body near for an extended amount of time- with my own thoughts. I get knots in my stomach when I think about it. It’s a strongly ingrained trigger response that has developed over several years that requires quite a bit of conscientious effort to reprogram, but it’s so much better and easier now than ever.

Blah blah, anyway. This isn’t a race, but it’s nice to have goals, and I’ve got S*** to do, people to help! I’ve never been particularly patient when I’m excited. ;)  I’m my own proof that my goals are attainable, and the challenge has become an addiction. But ya know, learning to produce more of my own Serotonin and Dopamine is so much nicer than relying on a broad spectrum of legal drugs for 20 years to inhibit “recycling” the measly amounts I had before…

Random thought on the spot (not so random, I’ve been musing over it for awhile):

I’ve found myself holding my tongue so much lately. This is interesting to me for a few reasons. There is a lot of upset in the world lately, much to talk about, process. It used to be that holding my thoughts back was unthinkable. It caused me a lot of trouble, depending on my delivery and how emotionally grounded I was… or wasn’t. I’ve always valued honesty and openness to any alternative, though. At the same time, I’ve often spoken up on the unpopular side of things so even if my delivery was full of tact and finesse,  it rarely went over much better than being a jerk when falling upon closed ears. Consequently, I didn’t like the feeling of rejection, being singled out, or feeling alone… so while I don’t go against my feelings and pretend to agree with other folks, and I don’t simply nod and smile, I’ve quieted down over the years. A lot. Unless someone specifically asks for my opinion and I have some time to think over my response based on who’s asking and how much information I have on the subject, or unless I am highly passionate and educated about a topic, I keep it to myself.

Here’s the great thing though… I’ve noticed that somewhere in the last 7 months I’ve gradually become more and more peaceful internally. Regardless of whether I do or don’t speak my mind, I’m no longer plagued by a sense of *needing* to get my point across or even heard. I mean that often when we choose to bite our tongues things will still bug us, eat at us, make it hard to focus. I realized I don’t feel that much anymore, and I’m getting pretty good with letting others be who they are whether I agree with them or not. I can’t pinpoint when it started happening, but it’s clear I’ve somehow developed a habit of holding back and taking a moment to breathe and allow peace to take over, “letting it go”, so to speak. Do not mistake this as ignoring a subject or issue, it isn’t. I’m not merely “turning the other cheek”. I learned that sometimes “love is silent”. I’m simply employing mindfulness. Interestingly, this really hasn’t taken all that long to develop, it just had to become important enough to me to practice. Somewhere, at some point, I made a choice to change my mind, or at least try. I don’t remember thinking it consciously.

It feels… really good!  I don’t’ have it all figured out. I am not all “Zen” or what have you. So much today really, I mean *really*, irritates me. I could let it consume me. I guess I just got tired of feeling irritated. Anger… bitterness… resentment… “they” aren’t kidding when they say it is exhausting and wastes valuable energy. It’s hard to grasp the idea that we DO have a choice to be happy, to let go, because we become so stuck in one way of thinking (which leads to a predictable way of feeling) and we just have no idea how to climb out of it. It’s a very helpless feeling. So discouraging. I want to be able to help people who have a hard time with this, if they want it, because I sure as hell know it took me for-damn-ever… and I’m in still in awe when I’m reminded. I can’t make anyone want to change, but I can be a guide if/when they come to it on their own, just as I did.

I’ve posted a video on facebook before that my friend Susy posted at just the right moment. The day I saw it was the day that just a few hours before I was contemplating what they talk about and had an “a-ha!” moment. That wasn’t the “conscious decision to be happy and think differently” moment. It’s just I was thinking about how for some reason things had been shifting internally lately and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what, why, or how. The video was so reassuring to me. I feel it is spot on. It certainly is as close to truth for me as I’ve found when it comes to seeking peace and happiness. It’s water.

This Is Water

Categories: Random Drivel, Videos, Pictures, Articles | Leave a comment

Slow on the Uptake… Update… both, really…

Welp, I’m awake and I may as well update the blog as I’ve been meaning to do. I’m tired so we’re not gonna get very deep here, kids. Just a quick update for anyone who doesn’t keep up with me on facebook.

I’m maintaining a steady weight, but getting increasingly slimmed and toned. Honestly, it’s hard for me to see… but then I put on some clothes I’ve still kept around from 60+ lbs ago and I look like a completely insane fool. I even put on my swimsuit to get sun on my shoulders and it’s straight up ridiculous. I’ve bought some running shorts and collected many race shirts I wear regularly, but I still have not brought myself to buy any real clothes. Well, one outfit, but that’s not getting worn until a concert in a week.

I can’t explain it. It’s true that a part of me doesn’t want to spend the money when I know I will just keep slimming down… but there is also a big part of me  that can’t seem to understand that yes, I actually HAVE lost a shit ton of weight! Accept it. It’s true what they say, sometimes you just look in the mirror and don’t see it. Other times I look in the mirror and go “holy shit, that’s ME??”

Anyway, aside from some workout clothes and an outfit or two, I have no frickin’ clothes. I’ve tossed all the old big ones away to the donation pile. It’s time to break down, especially since my weight loss is sloooooowed way down so I’ll stay in the outfits for awhile. I mean, I only have 15 more lbs to go to “goal” (where the government believes I tip into “normal” weight range for my BMI, then there’s a range of 30 lbs until they think I’m not “normal” enough), and at this point it’s just not going to drop off like it did. I’m fine with it, though, because I see myself in the mirrors at the gym (shut up, I know) and I am really impressed with what I see. Giant fricking muscles and a huge smile. LOVE.

So, I got ballsy and bought a shirt off ebay. No trying on.  Having gotten a feel for sizes with various athletic tees and race shirts and stuff lately, I figured why not. It fit, and I fricking rock it!  That’s so weird to me. The shorts I bought to go with it at Kohl’s were originally a size bigger until I put them on and went, “uuuuh… too BIG? HUH?” Now, since having bought the shorts a few weeks ago, I’m thinking I could go one more size down… even though I’ve not lost any “weight” (i.e. my scale hasn’t moved, but my body composition keeps shifting at a rather fast rate). I don’t think I will exchange them as I’m sure they’ll shrink some. I’m wearing the outfit to the 311 “kickoff to their summer tour” concert in KC on July 2nd. Yup yup. I’m looking forward, aside from spending money, to going out and seeing what other cute outfits I can rock. :D It’s kind of surreal after being heavy for so long… and REALLY heavy from depression the last few years. Told you I’d kick that shit to the curb, did I not? ;)

I looked back at a recent entry and see some of my events have changed. I did the Warrior Dash, and it was AMAZING. Funnest thing I’ve done in my life and probably one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, a very last minute spontaneous decision (I know, what??? Who IS this chick???). All my hard work has paid off. And I mean I DID the Warrior Dash. I breezed through all the obstacles except the last really tall climbing wall with ropes, because it was extremely high with no footholds. My arms aren’t so strong yet. I passed that one up. My friend Angela, though, scaled it like a boss. He arms are insane. I will have mine taken care of  by Spartan in October. :)

I can’t make it to my lovely friend Jessica’s Starbelle performance because… I have my Zumba Instructor training on June 28th!!!  It’s an all day training in Papillian (Omaha). Yesssss. My “mentor” (favorite instructor) at the Y said I should go for it now instead of wait for another local training to come up. Then as soon as I have the license, she’s going to put my name in and get me on the sub list at the local YMCA’s. Whoa. Sloooooow down!

So, if you remember last year… I had a really hard time. I got panic attacks and injury… and I panicked/pulled out of 3 out of 4 races I signed up for as personal goals. It was so hurtful to my esteem. Well, I told you I wasn’t going to let it stop me, and I didn’t. I made up the Color Run and Glow Run in the same day. The next weekend I did the Havelock 3k as my anniversary run. The next weekend after that was the Warrior Dash (made up for the Dirty Girl Run probably 3 times over). And today in 2 hours I will be running the Run 4 the Homeless fun 5k for the People’s City Mission just because that place gets all my support. Next weekend, Zumba certification. So. Yeah. In one month I will have accomplished what I couldn’t pull off in one year… because I knew I could and I’ve MADE it happen. OH, oh yeah and remember Beginner’s Luck last year? I couldn’t even finish out that 8 week beginning 5k running clinic due to injury and discouragement. I’m in it again this year but doing the 5 mile (they don’t have 10k apparently, but close enough) and obviously going to finish it out. Basically… I felt like I was a failure. Inside I knew I wasn’t. I didn’t quit. I got sidetracked, stalled a bit, but I am no quitter. I’ve given the depression, the anxiety, worry, everything else the finger and let go. I didn’t ever know how I would until it was imperative that I just did.

So here are some more recent pics. It’s kind of cool getting to look at pictures of myself and actually not care if my face is goofy or I’m not the prettiest thing. That’s so new and weird to me. Hard to appreciate what truly matters if you haven’t been damn near the edge and pulled yourself back. I see pictures of me, now, and I see I have a huge smile and I don’t feel like cropping myself out anymore. None of this “take a hundred pictures before you find ONE that might look something like you want to look like” bullshit. None of this, “No pictures I have no makeup on and my hair isn’t done!” crap. For the first time in my life I don’t give a flying fuck anymore. That’s the biggest win of all for me. I think I’m beautiful and totally awesome and it seems to shine from my pictures now. The truth has surfaced, it’s free, and I finally see it.

 

Me and Natalie at Omaha Color Run. She's wearing this year's shirt. I symbolically took last year's giant shirt and cut it down smaller into an 80's style off-shoulder fringed shirt.

Checking my time at the end. 3.22 mile sin 34 minutes.

Warrior Dash with Angela and Megan

Last Sunday on Father's Day, went for a run with Ben. Rock Island Trail.

There has been so much I have felt like writing, but finding the time to sit down and breathe is difficult. When I make the time, the last thing I want to do is write. I keep a running note on my phone of blog posts I want to make. You’ve heard this before, I know. I’ll get to it. There’s so much that’s happened to me in 7 months that I’m in awe of life. Much I want to talk about, gush about, share, possibly a rant or two, processing… blogs are kind of one-sided, though. Anyway… my brain is on overload. Must purge soon.

Until next time. Be well, kids.

Categories: Project Yours Truly, Pictures | 1 Comment

Week 24…

…and I’m ready to Warrior. Give me 21 more and I will be a Spartan!

This is only the beginning, my friends.

That is all.

 

Categories: Project Yours Truly, Pictures | 1 Comment

April snow brings May drought?

Meh. Whatever.

Man, busy busy. I knew May would be crazy, though. Well, pretty  much the middle of April through early June. Something going on every weekend, plus lot’s of gym time.

Rockfest was ok. Definitely not my “scene”, the large all day drunken asshole events. I’d rather stick to the smaller venues (Stir, Sokol, Pershing, etc.) with focus on one band. At least I know, and I got to spend a lot of time with See-Star.

I end my “program” May 21st, but it’s only the “end” of one phase of the beginning of my life.

Upcoming in May: Capital Human Society’s Tails and Trails event, Hana K.’s house show with some friends as she’ll be back home, Chloe’s AVM Benefit, POSSIBLY the Color Vibe with Dustin if there’s still any open registrations that morning, Color Run with family then Glow Run later that night with Dustin.

In June: Havelock Run (symbolic anniversary),  Warrior Dash, Lincoln Track Club’s Beginner’s Luck (10k Training this time), Jessica’s/Starbelle’s performance, Dustin’s Star City Pride show, etc, etc. More, more, more. Figuring out where and when the Zumba certification will come in this Summer. Nick loves the gym child watch, and the other two kids can roam free, so we’ll basically be living there and at Star City Shores and parks this summer. I’ve pretty much topped out the cardio intensity in Zumba, but I keep attending all of them in order to donate my “calories” burned to World Vision and to keep getting experience with instructors and new routines. And it’s SO MUCH FUN. I crave it. Power Pump is good, but it’s time to kick it up to BootCamp for better overall cross training.

July: 311 in KC and Daughtry and 3 Doors Down at Stir. And of course train, train, train for Spartan and other upcoming races. Kayak Polo and Nacho Rides with Angela and Sole Sisters and continuing to do the Brooks First Thursday runs with them, Volleyball with Cheryl… and of course my non-physical fun with a few good friends.

I’m really lucky. I’ve managed to reach out and develop some really GOOD and POSITIVE relationships with people I feel are very genuine and care about me. I feel like there really are people who care about me, now, and I believe it. Maybe because I care so much about myself and can finally see it. I figured out how to shave down my contact with people who aren’t so supportive of me and my healthy endeavors (mentally, emotionally, physically) without writing off anyone completely (which as you’re well aware of is something I just can’t do, something to do with compassion or some shit…)

 

Natalie has been taking vocal lessons with Kathy over at Markey. We love it and she’s fantastic but she wants to give Cheer a whirl this summer. She’ll still probably do the Wizard of Oz workshop with Markay, though. Natalie has been singing up a storm as per usual and learning proper head and belt technique has helped tremendously. I wish I could catch her on film every time. She’s been up early in the mornings before school to get time in doing flips and whatnot on the trampoline. I love it. She’s a natural. Such a beautiful, compassionate, caring, intelligent, Angel. Nate and Nick are busy doing their things. Nate has been getting into running lately. That’s like, whoa. He’s not big into many sports, but he’s expressed interest in wrestling since it’s a team sport but one on one. Unfortunately, it isn’t offered until 7th or 8th grade. Nick has now shown interest in Karate, so we will give that a whirl at the Y. I’m loving being a mom. I always have, sure, but now I can fully immerse myself in it. Be INVOLVED, not just “there”.

I allowed Natalie a Youtube, Nate also, under my supervision of course and under tight control. She needs to upload more videos because these just don’t capture the talent so much, but here’s a little bit I’ll share (I disabled embedding, sorry):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRccO82XH8o&feature=share&list=PL6924B45E3454F676

(she actually can do the cup part very well while singing)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpiIDthVvN4&list=PL6924B45E3454F676

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgSU9qELTEo&list=PL6924B45E3454F676&index=11

Categories: Random Drivel, Project Yours Truly, Videos, Pictures | 2 Comments

Picture update…

Been busy. Too tired for long update on the iPad sitting on resort balcony watching the ocean. Here is a picture of me minus 60 lbs by a pretty cliff side on the beach in Laguna Beach, CA. Heading home today. It’s been very therapeutic.

Here are a couple of recent pics of me with my Beth and another of me from an 80’s Sole Sisters run with some friends:

It feels good to be alive.

Categories: Random Drivel, Family Randomness, Pictures | 2 Comments